Friday, March 16, 2007

The Bachelor - Episode 6

The Bachelor asked:

Bachelorettes: We live in an age when women are freer to pursue their desires. There's a man on the fringes of your immediate social circle. He's friends with your friends, and so you see him around when you go out. He's single, and unattached (you checked) andyou really like him. He's good-looking, and from what you have heard, he's quite the catch. You have spoken a couple of times, but you would like to know him better. You have heard that he might be interested in you as well, but he keeps his distance because of the close proximity to your other friends. Would you make a move on him, and if so how would you go about this?

Bachelorette 1:

I will most definitely make a move: ask him to coffee. Coffee dates in my opinion are the best, it is early, you can make your deicision quick. It is not awkward OR not as awkward as a movie date or a dinner date. You go in, order coffee, make small talk and if we are both interested, make a date for movie if the sparks continue to fly, we can turn it up a notch with friday dancing at the dome.....

Bachelorette 2:

I would find out what his number was and call him. A little random and unexpected but I give good phone. I am able to strike up a conversation with anyone about anything and I am a good listener.

I would say something like - " Hey I got your number from blah blah and decided to call you. I've seen you a few times but we've never really talked so i thought this would be a good opportunity. How are you? How was your day/weekend? What are you doing right now? What do you actually do for a living?" etc. I'd try and find out what his interests are and suggest doing something accordingly e.g. If he's into art, suggest a gallery or exhibition. If we have no common interests, then I'd suggest going to a bar or going for dinner so we can hang out and talk some more.

I would end the conversation once we've set a date, with " Ok let me leave you to ___ (go back to whatever it is he was doing). It's been really interesting talking to you. I had no idea how funny you are! And your voice on the phone .... hmmmm don't make me even start! This is my number _ _ _ . We should definitely talk some more. See you on ____. Bye!"

Bachelorette 3:

I like to tell myself that if I see something I want, I'll get it.To be honest with you, although I am outgoing, I can be very shy. If I really like a guy, my friends would be able to tell because I get really quiet and try to make some eye contact to guage his reaction.

In this particular situation, I'll start to include him in conversations, ask questions directed at him and try to look him straight in the eye and probably look down, I can be so shy!
As I get more comfortable, I'll begin to flirt with him - more eye contact and little smiles. Hopefully, he'll respond to this and then I'll turn it up a notch, a little touch here, ask him if I look nice in my outfit, laugh at his jokes, have short conversations with him away from our group of friends, little things like that.

I'd love it if he asks me out at this point but if he doesn't as long as I can tell he's interested, I'll ask him if he wants to hang out sometime, just me and him.

Bachelorette 4:

Hmmm, this is a tricky situation. First of all, I'm not too keen on dating a friend of a friend (or friends). This is because there would be too much familiarity, and should the relationship not work out, someone would get booted from the circle of friends, and that someone would more than likely be him. So for me to even consider dating such a man, I would have to be very sure of him. In fact, if I could, I would get a signed statement from God, with Angels being his witness, where God assures me that my relationship with said friend has absolutely no chance of failing. But since I know this will never happen, I will just have to use my intuition the best way I can.

Yes, we live in an age where women are freer to pursue their desires, but I also believe that men and women are different. I believe men love the thrill of the chase, and women love the thrill of being chased. Hence, I'd rather be chased than do the chasing.

That being said, assuming my intuition gives me the feeling that things would work out with me and him, I would give him subtle hints to know that I like him. He will have to be really slow to not know I like him; people usually know when someone likes them and blind to see that I 'm a phenomenal woman. I'm great with my words, so I would verbally flirt with him. I don't mean I would say things like, "do you want to see my red thong?", but I will definitely do my best to let him know how I feel about him. If after all this, he does not 'chase' me, then I would let it go. I'd assume he is just not into me or just gay.


Noni Moss said...

Yah I'm first! You guys have got me doing that now.

Noni Moss said...

Hmmm- Bachs 1 & 2 - Go Getters! Good for you. I dont see anything wrong in women making a move - you knows what you want and how to get it.

However - oddly, I love Bach 3's answer! When I really like a guy - i'm also quite shy. I feel vulnerable so i'm more reluctant to put myself out there. (Hmmm LB - i'm thinking maybe this is you)

Bach 4 - hmmm, yeah not really feeling this response

Daddy's Girl said...

This is really interesting and I think this question gives the Bachelor a good insight into these ladies and the way they think. Honestly, I really like all the responses (except that I think Bach 1 just jumped into the date without telling the bachelor exactly how she would GET the date in the first place - you have to ask him first, girl!).
I think I like 3's response best though, it just seems really heartfelt and... cute!

Soul said...

Bachelorette 1
I like this idea.. very easy, very cool laid back and no pressure.
thumbs up from me

Bachelorette 2
Imagine this, strange man calls you, tells you he got your number from so and so and proceeds to starts asking you questions like he knows you and expects answers!.
I'd be like.. what the fuck, do I know you?.
You just intruded on my life and expected me to want to give you my information over the phone.
I admire the 'gogetter' in you, but this approach is off for me.
But maybe the bachelor might like it
Thumbs down

Bachelorette 3
I really like your approach.
And I like that you are not afraid to say that you get shy when you like a guy sometimes..
but the most important thing here is the way you put in work..
how you start to include him in your conversations, you start to involve him. I like the bold yet shy dichotomy..
The whole looking at him then looking away.. as shy as you are I think flirting is built into your system.
i like the subtlety, so the bachelor doesn't feel like he is being steam rollered..
This also probably describes exactly what I would do.
thumbs up

Bachelorette 4
First paragraph... funny as hell oh my gawd I actually laughed out loud.

Second paragraph... erm... wtf happened here?. you believe men and women are different.. yes.. tell us something we don't know.
You believe that men love the chase and you prefer to be chased. okay..kindly move along princess.
Structured roles are boring and sometimes men get bored of having to play that same tired role that they are expected to play.
We don't have to fulfill stereotypes

Third paragraph
Just bizzarre and arrogant (not in a nice way at all)
you would drop subtle hints and if he doesn't get them he is 'slow' or 'blind'?
Maybe he ain't either, your hints may just be wack. or maybe you guys are not speaking the same language and your game needs changing because the type of hints you dropped for all the other guys you have dealt with don't work here..
oh and what type of hints?. you've let us know what you won't say, but what will you say?.

yet still after all this dropping hints you want him to 'chase' you.
and if he doesn't he is not into you or gay'?

there is just soo much wrong righ there that I just won't even go into. and since I have nothing good to say so I'll just say it's a thumbs down from me and leave it at that.

But you never know, the bachelor might like being jerked around like a pavlovian dog just to grasp a piece of your preciousness when actually it's you who likes him and not the other way round.. after all some naija guys like punishment...

LondonBuki said...

Bach 1: Go-getter! I like this, very straightforward!

Bach 2: I have had horrible experiences, where guys have called me out of the blue telling me they got my number from 'lagbaja'!!! It's just not my thing sha. I was thinking this was Noni yesterday but not too sure anymore!

Bach 3: Awwww, I wanna give you a hug. Like DG said, cute! Noni, I'd love to be the bach who gave this response! Keep on thinking! I was another bachelorette yesterday wasn't I? I am not a bachelorette my lurve!

Bach 4: You are funny, yeah the 1st paragraph was hilarious!
Seriously, me too I am not feeling this but who am I to talk? The Bachelor will make his choice!

Well done bachelorettes! Well Done! You all deserve prizes... Uzo, I think you should have 3 guys lined up for the runner-up :-)

LondonBuki said...


snazzy said...

aiight lets do this. One things guys struggle with is moving out of the friend zone. So it is actually interesting to read how these ladies think one should go about getting out of the friend zone. (See I give credit where it's due)

so 1 has clearly been reading for my playbook, cos i always do the coffee or the drinks thing in these kinda scenarios. Laid back and minimal commitment. Through my thumb in with soul's and have
two thumbs up

everything I could say about stalker 2, soul has already said it. So I throw in my thumb in agreement once again and you get
two thumbs down

Here is the thing about guys, we have been tamed to accept the friend zone, but we are constantly alert to possible breakouts. What you planned to do, should let even the densest guys know that freedom is imminent, so once again I agree with soul and you get.
two thumbs up

I wanted to disagree with soul about 4 just so it doesn't look like collusion, but even the first paragraph that soul found funny, I found scary. The "only idiots don't like me" sentiment is beyond scary. However i think it was more an exercise in false cockiness rather than anything else. Though as people keep telling me, irony doesn't really work when it is written. So long story short.
two thumbs down

chainreader said...

bachelorette 3 is the babe!

Bach 4 scared me, but just a little bit.

Bach 1 was too "straight to the point".

Bach 2: I've never liked the "unknown caller who got my number from said friend" move, so I'm a bit biased against your response. But it might be just me.

Having said all that, thank you bachelorettes for keeping us entertained. And please don't take any of our criticism to heart. We love what you are doing.


Vera Ezimora said...

I agree with Buki about Bach 2; I don't like it when people call me and say, 'I got ur number from...'. It's just not cool with me.

Bach 4, I think Soul was a lil too hard on her. I was just discussing an issue like this one with a lady yesterday. I think we (African womem) have been sold (@ a very cheap price, if I might add) to western civilization. I have to agree wit Bach 4 that when a man who is a real man sees what he really wants, nothing will stop him from going for it. I personally do not mind telling him I like him (if he asks or if we get in2 that topic), but actually asking him out on my own is not gonna happen.

I think men want to feel wanted/needed sometimes; they want the woman to also express her desire, but men are hunters by nature. They want to go out, hunt, come home with blood stains (I mean this figuratively, please), and we welcomed by a woman who will tell him he is the strongest, bravest, most intelligent man on the face of God's green earth.

So let him do the chasing. He might hesitate because he is not quite sure if you're into him, but in my experience, any man who is truly interested in a woman would make his intentions known.

Wetin sef?! All this western culture is causing some mad confusion. Woman are becoming men, and men are....well, fill in the blanks. So if Bach 4 flirts with him and he is still NOT getting a hint, he is definitely either slow or just not into her. I'd go for the latter.

So Soul, structured roles are structured because we (humans) are structured. When was the last time a man got pregnant and nursed a baby? Or the last time a woman got another woman pregnant? The idea is not to be frigid in one's 'role', but to be flexible WITHIN one's role.

My two cents.

Anonymous said...

well said vera. i believe that a man who expects you to chase him is "just not into you".

Soul said...

Wow vera.. just wow..
'western culture is causing confusion? men are becoming women and women are becoming men?'.
where?, in which town, city and country?

How does a woman making a move or asking a man out mutate into a man breastfeeding or nursing a baby? or even a woman getting another woman pregnant?.. what does that have to do with what we are talking about here?

Is that how you define gender roles? by who gets to ask the other person out?. WOW!.
the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Well I guess that's one way of doing things we all have our own ways.

Personally, I don't think a woman telling a guy that she is interested in him is emasculating him at all.
I also don't see how a woman asking a guy out will tip the balance of masculinity and feminity or cause such a seismic level of confusion with regards to which gender has the capability of impregnating someone and which gender is capable of incubating a baby.

but then again it's whatever....

Ms. May said...

Love Bach 1 and 3 responses as well. And I don't think there's absolutely anything wrong with asking a man out on a date, especially if you've done your homework. For me, it's not about emasculating a man or trying to prove that I'm independent. If I am willing to ask you for your phone number or out on a date, it means I see something extremely special about you and don't want to miss the opportunity to know more...that simple. It's a risk, as well as an opportunity...for a new friend or maybe more, or nothing at all and I do believe in the theory that the greater the risk, the greater the reward. You never know.

Vera Ezimora said...

Well, I understand where you ladies (Soul & Ms. May) are coming from, but the fact still remains that if a man is really into a woman, nothing can/will stop him from making a move...especially if she's giving him signals. But if he still does not walk up 2 her and ask her out, then is only one plausible explanation: he is just not that into her. He might like her, but not enough to make a move.

Perhaps, the blogville men could say something on the issue. I still maintain that no real man would hesitate to go after a woman he is really 'feelin'. Therefore, if he hesitates 2 go after Bach4, it is only because he's not quite there yet.

And by the way, a regular man will probably say yes whether or not he is into her. We're talking about men, right?? I'm talking about regular, single men who are neither married nor attached, and not deeply spiritual either. Assuming Olawunmi is that man, my assumption is that he will say 'yes'...

So that being said, if he (Olawumi) is really interested in her, he will crawl on a wall, swin across the atlantic, chew bottle and drink fish water.

Olawunmi, please feel free to add whatever else you might be willing to do to get a woman you're really attracted to.

Anonymous said...

If a woman asks a man out? even if they eventually end up dating,will there still be respect for her?

Why would a man want a woman running after him,after she has dropped all the hints?

Are we sure that man is going to date the woman out of geninue love&respect or pity,just to crown all her "effort"?

I'm liking this,please someone enlightening me?

LondonBuki said...

I'll be back tomorrow Uzo!

Looking forward to the next episode :-)

Daddy's Girl said...

Interesting issue to discuss - I just read a really good article on this. Personally, I like the fact that bach 4 was 'real' and down-to-earth about what she can or cannot do.