Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Naked!

I used to enjoy being naked
Never thought twice about it
Then life began to happen
And i sought comfort beneath layers

What lies beneath the layers?
Shed some layers so i can see the real you
Arent you hot underneath these layers?
Dont you feel constrained?
Dont you want to burst free and really breathe?

Words i heard so many times over the years
Words that i heard but paid no heed to

Layers made me feel safe
Maybe i would shed a thin layer if i liked you
But no more

Then he came along
Just waltzed into my life like he belonged there
One minute he was at arms length
The next, he was almost inside me
Made me feel ever so safe
I didnt even realise that the layers were dropping to the floor
All i know is that it felt natural to be naked before him
No layers between us
Thoroughly unafraid to be hot, cold, vulnerable...
Whatever emotions i felt didnt have to be hidden
Thoroughly naked

Then it happened
The blowup when my insecurities, fears
The reason for the layers
Were thrown back at me
There i was ashamed
For he had seen my nakedness
Convinced me that i was beautiful without the layers
That naked was how i was meant to be with him
My cherished thoughts and feelings
Things revealed in my naked state
Were thrown at me with a callousness that had me reeling

No words to express the intensity of emotions i felt
But with an ever present resilience
I found my layers where they were strewn
And began to cloak myself in their safety

Now i am back behind my layers
Safe behind them
The change in me not visible to the naked eye
This time, i seem to have added even more layers
An impregnable shell
To keep me sane
To give me peace

I am sure that the layers will be shed again
As its in my nature to trust and give all of me too easily
But with every him, her, them that cause me to shed my layers
And re-arm myself
It is assured that it will get harder the next time
Which is really sad
For those that are worthy will have to work hard
To be patient, to nurture, to convince, to give space, to draw close
In a bid to get me there again
To get me to be naked


9 comments:

LondonBuki said...

Ok, I blame it on PMT or something!

Why did I get a little emotional after reading this?

Uzo... this is beautifully written. Every single line, EVERY SINGLE ONE...I can't find the word(s)... I just love this.

Soul said...

Uzo..
This is ooooouuuh!.
Revealing. vulnerable. Raw. and honest.

I can't apologise for someone else's slight. But I will.
But remember we project our vulnerabilities unto other people when we don't know how to deal with it on our own.

you wrapped yourself in a cocoon to protect you, so when you let go you let it all go and made the one you let go to, feel like he had the key to you.
And that person got drunk on that power, consumed by it. they got soo crunk on it they felt that they owned the key to your wellbeing and funnily enough.. at that point. they did.
totally.
I understand. Completely.

That person played their part. They taught you a lesson, but have you learnt it?

I have come to learn that
The lesson was not to save all of you for a few people..
It is to walk out and put yourself out there, eyes wide open, arms wide open.
Give yourself to many. (sounds crazy right)

But if we give ourselves to many (including ourselves) then no one person holds the key to our happiness, to our security, to our well being.

This person who threw your layers back at you, no longer controls your destiny... no longer controls you.
So lay your burdens down Uzo. Lay them down. let the memory of this beast go.

zaiprincesa said...

I love, love this....

and the thing is, im sure sooo many people can relate, or experience the same feeling..where u have this shell, this fire proof security blanket that u use to shield ur vulnerability, for fear of getting burned...

Noni Moss said...

Oh sweetie. This is amazing and like LB - I'm totally tore up inside. There are no words. Sending you a big big hug.

BabsBETA said...

Dunno what or who prompted this but I've to say the flow is flawless.

Trust isn't a gift, it must be earned. But when someone takes advantage of your vulnerability the pain may be yours but the foolishness is not.

Its never wrong to trust once in a while.

Bella Naija said...

WOW!
I am speechless.
I totally felt that to the core.

azuka said...

Now this was... fantabulous? Nothing like writing that springs from the soul.

Daddy's Girl said...

Hmmm.. I love this Uzo. The thing I love most about your writing is the way you express and evoke emotion.. simply and powerfully.

PS I wish this time would last forever.. and ever.. LOL Will call you on Friday.

Anonymous said...

Amazing Uzo!!!