Monday, November 20, 2006

Food for thought!

I read Soul's post today and its a touching account of rape. And i got thinking. Well i am always thinking. When one is in a relationship maybe even a marriage where there isnt a history of abuse. And everything is great between you guys. One night/day, he comes to you all frisky and ready to get it on. You are not in the mood. You let him know that. He ignores you and begins to paw at you. You tell him to stop but he must think you are playing. All your no's are ignored and boyfriend/husband that you love and think the world of is suddenly on top of you. After its all done, he pulls you close and kisses you and he seems alright. But you said no. You didnt want to. But you love each other....But you said no.

I have my thoughts but answer me this....



Vickii said...

I think this illustrates perfectly the problem with rape, the lines are very blurry and there is almost always a grey area. In my opinion, it is rape. I have to stand by my belief that when a woman says no, regardless of the circumstances then the man should stop.

One of the biggest arguments is that women say 'no' when they mean 'yes'. Maybe that is sometimes true but as there is no way of knowing what judging what someones intention is, you have to judge their intention by what they say.

Very often, rape occurs within people that are already in a physical relationship but that doesn't make it any less like rape.

I'd like to know what you think about this. Olawunmi has also put up a response to Soul's blog ... I'm glad people are talking about this.

Soul said...

This is where I pay homage to a certain aspect of S&M. Adn that is the use of a safe word.

It is important for each partner to clearly say when I do this or when I say this it means NO.
It doesn't mean maybe, it doesn't mean try to stimulate me, it means NO

Now re: the situation, lets think about it this way, if the husband stopped and said, baby I'm really 'down' for this, I'm gonna stop if you say NO one more time, but if this is some sort of fantasy type where you want me to role play and try to 'convince you'
then bite me on my left ear (gently) or bite my neck right now...

See that way, the fantasy/role play/game isn't ruined if the woman was just 'saying no when she meant yes'.
and also if she really meant no then she wouldn't move.

the thing that we forget is, if the woman was in the mood and he said no, then what is she to do.. she can't physically paw him like he is doing.
I think many people 'believe' that men are always 'ready to action' but they aren't always.

So yes. In this instance, it's rape.
It takes less than 30seconds to clarify the position and we should always clarify the position..
and that goes for both mena nd women

Daddy's Girl said...

I think it's rape. As Soul says, it's important to always clarify if there's the slightest doubt.

Noni Moss said...

No is No is No. Your partner/boyfriend/husband/whatever does not have a RIGHT to sex - it is always a priviledge that is granted. It is still YOUR body.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

A serious, actual, 'not-playful' No means NO!!! End of story.. boyfriend, friend, lover, husband whatever doesn't matter.. you gotta respect your partners body and wishes...

azuka said...

As I'd say, men get aroused easily and it takes ages to wear off -- women take their time, and the tiniest thing that changes the mood is a complete turn-off.

Maybe it's just me, but I definitely wouldn't [if I get around to this] do 'it' when the lady's not willing. I shudder at the thought of performing with a complete lack of response from the other party. Heck, I always take a no as a no even when it comes from a girl who really likes me but wants to 'shine' which is probably why I'm still single.

Forgive my very British way of hiding the meaning of my comment in so many words. Apparently, 'IT' is isn't really a topic I'm very comfortable talking about.

If that happens with you Uzo, I'm sure you might put your kickboxing skills to some use. You sound like a no-nonsense lady :D.

Soul said...

I'm sorry but the first part of your statement is an absolute myth.

How do you know that women do not get aroused very quickly?.

So you know why the girl sitting across from you in the lunch hall suddenly crossed her legs when the tall dark hunk 200 yards away from her just walked into the room?

And no it doesn't take ages longer for a guys arousal to wear off than it takes a woman.

when you say to a woman, she doesn't just get dry, or turn off the arousal button, we aren't machines, just like men aren't machines.
Sometimes, If you say something that turns a man off, his dick is an automatic responder, it deflates faster than you can finish the sentence and you can't force him save re-arousal.

Just because a woman says no, it doesn't mean she isn't aroused, it means no matter what her body is telling her, in her mind she doesn't want to have sex period.
She could be as wet as the river niger and flowing just as fast, she just doesn't want to go there, it doesn't mean she is turned off.

This myth that men get aroused quicker or easier is just that.. a myth.
I think you will find that women tend to think about sec on average much more frequently about men and are sexually aware a heck of a lot earlier than men of the same age.

Whilst you are not justifying spousal rape, the first part of your response has and is still being used to justify it, even though it is a false assumption

azuka said...

I stand corrected -- nope, Soul, I'm not justifying rape.

Perhaps I've been reading too much of Kinsey?

Soul said...

oh no Azuka..
I didn't mean you were justifying rape, I thought i was clear when I said:

Whilst you are not justifying spousal rape, the first part of your response has and is still being used to justify it

if that wasn't clear, then i hope it is clearer now.
I did not mean to cast any doubts on your character or on the ethos of what you were saying, I was only refuting it point for point..
be well.