Saturday morning had me at the gym determined to punish myself. Am i the only one that has moments of self loathing when i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror or do i just need a shrink? Anyway, i decided to shake things up and not take my usual kickboxing class.
I opted instead to do an hour of step aerobics, 3o minutes on the treadmill, 30 minutes on the elliptical machine, 30 minutes on the bike and 45 minutes of weights.
I was fine driving home. I was fine taking a shower and getting into bed for a quick nap. The trouble started when i woke up to get ready to head to the Island to see Amazing Grace. I stepped off the bed and nearly died. Pain. Pain. Pain. I simply laid on the floor, pulled a pillow from my bed and slept where i was. My dad came in to ask why i was still home and seemed alarmed that i was sleeping on the carpet. I told him i was fine but tired. Since i think my folks are used to my bouts of odd behavior, he let me be.
My friend called me at about 5pm to remind me to get ready to see Umoja. I managed to get up and crawl into the shower. I sat in my shower and let the water just drench me. I could not move. I wanted to stay home in one position but the tickets had been paid for and i really wanted to see the show. My sassy ensemble was scrapped for a very loose tunic with drawstring pants and flat slippers. Believe me, the thought of being constrained in any way was not to be considered.
Through out the show, i just stared. I enjoyed it, i just couldnt show my appreciation. I got back home, took a shower and many painkillers and knocked myself out.
Sunday morning, my mom came into my room and i couldnt move. I just started to cry. "Everything hurts. I cant move, i cant breathe, i cant swallow and my eyelashes hurt". This is not an exaggeration. I cried because i REALLY COULD NOT TAKE A BREATH. My mom had to get some Deep Heat and rub my joints. I am talking about ankles, knees, legs, hands, back, neck. My face was the only part of my body that was left alone and i would have rubbed that stuff all over my face if my mom hadnt stop me. Even crying was painful.
In my grand scheme, i was going to hit the gym on sunday and work out some more but it was not going to happen. So here i am on monday morning. I can manage and i fully intend to get to the gym tonight but i have to ask: Why do i do this to myself?
People ask me what my love affair with Betty Boop is and part of it has to do with how she looks. She has an exaggerated figure sure, but she is not the conventional barbie doll or cartoon character and i love how sexy and confident she is in all her revealing outfits. She just doesnt seem to have any self esteem issues..LOL. I know - pretty deep thoughts regarding strokes of a pencil right?
I have been battling with my weight all my life. I have always been chubby and cute and i know in my heart of hearts that i will never be a size 6. I am just not built that way. However, a few years ago, a pretty traumatic period in my life led to 50 pounds of weight gain and a brutalized ego, self esteem that sunk through the ground and a new perception of me. I battle with all this every day. On some days, i am divalicious and vain to the core. But i will admit that most days is a battle. Days when i dont eat anything at all except fruit and lots of herbal teas. Days when i eat too much usually tied to feeling bad. Days when i brutalize myself at the gym. Days when i get up mid nap to run on the spot for 30 minutes just because i think my toes are chubby.
At times, i think i might have serious issues but at other times, i think its all my vanity. I acknowledge that i have a control thing. Everything in my life is going great and i seem to be able to control my career progression, my money etc but i cannot control my weight and that bugs the crap out of me. I look at friends that eat everything in sight except fruit, salads and water while i have to watch everything i eat and it hurts me so much. I get the "You are so beautiful but ehm you could be a little smaller"...on and on it goes.
I am of 2 minds....A part of me knows what i am - smart, accomplished, not bad looking, eloquent but the other part of me just screams fat, chubby, fat, fat, fat. Some days, i dress up and people say "you look so nice", i hear"fat, fat, fat". Its insane. At the gym, i stepped on the scale and saw a 2kg weight loss. Did i celebrate? Nope, my mind said "only 2kg? That's nothing".
I have never ever tried to express what i feel about this...this is my first time and i have absolutely no idea why these words that are flowing through my fingers today are coming from. Maybe i am just tired of being funny, smart and so damn perfect all the time. This is one of my demons that haunts me every single day and to deny its existence and pretend that everything is sooo damn dandy is exhausting.
So i will go to the gym tonight as planned. Its 11.44am and i have had my fruit and my 4th cup of pineapple & grapefruit green tea. Its a struggle and its hard but dammit, i have to find some way to deal with this. I have to come to terms with who i am. I know that i will be battling this weight thing for the rest of my life - the women in my family have shown me that but there has to be a way that i can see myself as Uzo with all my virtues not Fat Uzo. A way to practice what i preach and realize how wonderful i am.....