Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Again - On Infidelity

Time and time again, we have all written or come across posts on infidelity. We of course dont have any answers on why people cheat and of course on why men cheat. We have discussed the way people react and honestly - there are so many varying points of view. Every now and again, something will happen that will leave me speechless...........

On saturday, after my training class, i hooked up with my girlfriends for drinks and gossip. We were joined by a young lady that i know but isnt my friend if you understand that. Anyway we had a good time and when i got home, my main friend (the reason we hooked up at all) and i got on the phone and proceeded to yak on and on.

The young girl i mentioned above V is dating a guy D. They have been together for 3 years. Another acquaintance of mine M last year raved on and on about the fabulous guy she was dating also called D. Anyway, one fateful day, V walks into D's flat unannounced and there M is with her man. The weird thing here is there wasnt a fight. These 2 ladies M & V proceeded to have a fairly dignified conversation about when they started dating D, how often they saw him etc. Both ladies leave. M is devastated but moves on and is dating someone else now.

V on the other hand is still with D. In fact he joined us for about an hour before they left us to have some quiet time. Hey. I cast no judgement about the whole thing. I just thought it was interesting but hey...

So my main friend and i were talking and got round to this issue. And i said i thought it was very interesting. My friend said something to the effect that they were planning to get married - V & D. I then asked if Miss V was okay with the infidelity thing. My friend said it was just an incident that happened and that was that. It was at that point that i said i would have reservations about continuing a relationship with a boyfriend who has cheated. I said, it was bad enough that the odds seem to be really high that infidelity would happen during marriage (i am very very optimistic about that not happenening to me but one must be prepared...LoL) making that decision harder but i just didnt think that i should have to deal with that with a boyfriend.

My friend stunned me - she said infidelity was not a good enough reason to break up with anyone. That D was a good man and treated V very very well. That they had been together for 3 years, D is a young man doing well, V is pretty...that they can work it out. She said everyone that heard about this incident was sooo suprised that D was involved because it just wasnt in him.

Ehn? I asked if D stopped his affair with M because he was caught? what kind of mistake i asked? What about trust and committment?

She said it didnt matter, that i still had an immature perspective on relationships. That infidelity was simply not big enough to end a 3 year old relationship. She went on and on to calmly tell me how sweet D is and how good he is for V, how he provides for her etc.

Silence. My anwer to her. I was humbled and just thoroughly taken aback. I simply had no words.


Soul said...

Uzo. I've read many posts like this over and over again and I notice certain keywords.. nice, good provider, good to the other person, sweet, out of character

It's funny cos this isn't about maturity, it's more about accepting less and resignation.

I personally think that it is possible for a relationship to survive infidelity be it from the woman or the man.
But to open your eyes and willing go into a relationship expecting infidelity is beyond bizarre and really screams... a lack of self worth and low self esteem.

I think many Nigerian marriages are bereft of love and more marriages of opportunity and convenience. When in that situation who the hell cares about fidelity or actually working to build a better unit. All one cares about it, does he have a decent house, can he keep me in the latest stuff.
or evem worse... 'at least he doesn't beat me' and I am now a married woman. not like 'my single friends'.
Or worst,the ultimate betrayal is when a mother says to her daughter... he will learn to love you.
Or when a father says to his son, it's time to settle down, just marry a decent girl at least you can still do your thing.

From what I have observed and heard and experienced, many Nigerian marriages have very shaky foundations, the real key to holding them together are Money and security and leaving a legacy.

Family units are shrouded in secrecy, there is little to no respect when a man nor woman knows that 'you know the score' I ain't in love with you, this is just because it's the thing to do.

In Nigeria, women are like toys to a lot of men. There is no real understanding of what love is and real passion is very hard to find.
There's an emphasis on quantity as opposed to quality in most things including intimate spousal relations.

There are many different angles to this, but IMO it just seems such an unhealthy way to live, everything including that would should be wholesome is just plain cut-throat.

Vickii said...

I thought I was first but that Soul had to come and beat me.

Recently, I've been hearing this point of view a lot. Basically, cheating is just like any other flaw a guy has, so it's on par with say him being moody, or being out of work; basically something to be worked on, not something to end a relationship.

I personally will not put up with cheating from a boyfriend or a husband. And I personally think it's worse in this situation because it wasn't a one night thing, it was an affair, an on going thing during which he had lots of time to feel remorse, to end it, to come clean but he didn't.

However, while I'm not willing to put up with infidelity, I have to admit that I think it's possible for a relationship to survive it. Only recently, a friend sent me an article about a man who spent the first two years of his marriage cheating on his wife but then realised how much he was hurting her and stopped. He maintains he hasn't cheated on her in the last 13 years. And look at Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne, they might not be your cup of tea but if you've ever watched the show, you'll know that ozzy adores her and I don't believe he would ever cheat on her. Yet he spent the first few years on their marraige sleeping with groupies, often bringing them back to their bed.

I share your 'immature' point of view, but I admire women who try and work through it.

Great post and sorry that I've gone on a bit!

Anonymous said...

the absolutely crazy lady i'm dating now added some spice to my views that i've always expressed to anyone who cared to listen... ...there is NO excuse for cheating! cut off(immediately) a r/ship with any man/woman who cheats on u!!!

now to let u in on the "spice" mentioned above... my current girlfriend sat me down in the early period of our hangin' out and interviews me on what i expected from this relationship..now note that she was not asking me to project into the future and say where the r/ship would take us, she only wanted a definition of my interpretations of the r/ship... ..are we f*&k buddies, dating exlusively..etc... point been that she wanted both parties to feel absolutely no apprehension walking out once any of us acts in a manner such that does not reflect the agreed definition!!!

Seek clarity in what u r doin'! seek clarity in what ur man thinks the relationship is about!! do not think twice about spinning out of his/her orbit if the agreed is been jeopardized by one person!!!

SET said...



Ms. May said...

Like you, I have ALMOST no words. Cheating is unacceptable. I will admit that in my first ever relationship, I was willing to stay even though I believed in my heart of hearts that he had strayed. Looking back, I realize that I had issues with my self worth, in addition to the fact that I was young and thought he was THE ONE. Thankfully, I figured out EVENTUALLY that I do not deserve such direspect even if the man takes care of me, and all that other stuff. Call me naive but I believe that if a man truly RESPECTS you, he will not cheat. That being said, relationships have come back stronger from infidelity but I think those cases that successfully do so are few and far between. It is such a shame that women these days feel that being single is the worst life to live, or that a man taking care of you is the only way to have "things" and even for men, finding a decent girl just for the sake of it is good enough. Why should ANYONE settle for less? Again, call me naive...but what ever happened to love and respect?

Nyemoni said...

Seriously, in Nigeria, men cheating is normally looked upon as a norm which is such a shame....when mean are serial cheats, women usually stay back because of thie children, or what will people say, lack of confidence, etc... It's a mindset that has eaten deep into our roots which causes us to settle for a whole lot less than we deserve. I wish Ms. V all the best....

Anonymous said...

i dont know if theres any point commenting cuz soul said it all. people actually now say ,'i dont expect fidelity from the person i'm dating'. its crazy!! and they mock u when u take your stand and say stuff like, 'if there's only one good guy left out there, well i'll wait for him!!'
it's crazy.

Anonymous said...

ok i jus went and read every comment .. i agree with vickii.. respect to those who try and work through it.. NOT because he 'takes care' of them, or for status sakes, or because she doesnt want to be embarrassed in front of her social-climbing, status-seeking friends, but because he's really sorry, or for the kids, or because she really loves him.
i think - so far anyway - that im a very loyal and faithful partner, and if i can do it so can he.. commitment is a responsibility, it doesnt jus work out u have to work at it.
that notwithstanding, to quote a friend, 'i believe in the fallibility of the human spirit'.. shit does happen. its how best u clean up the mess that matters.

Noni Moss said...

"How he provides for her etc" are you fucking kidding me? It is soo incredibly disheartening to see that people still think like this. There are too many things wrong with this story to even start.

My only question now is what is the general consensus on M? If people were suprised at D's behaviour because "it really isn't in him" then was M the jezebel that came and seduced him? I'm guessing she's the one left humliated cos she didn't get the man and she wasn't the No1 girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy and I don't subscribe to the fact that men are born to cheat. I expect my patner and I not to cheat in any relationship. But if you ask me, would I end a relationship because my partner cheated on me? The answer is - I don't know, I don't think so. Notice I'm not saying an "automatic yes". It would take more than just cheating to end a relationship, especially if we've been together for some time. Definitely, I'll feel hurt, and angry. Hey, i will not talk to the person for some time and I will definitely show the person my anger and hurt. But I will make that effort to sort things out. I think part of the problem is the so called "seeming programming" we have in our mind. Once your partner cheats, then it is over! No trying to understand why it happened, no trying to know if the person really feels remorse. Life is not easy, relationship is not a bed of roses. It will hurt but ask yourself - is it the person's nature to do this? do i give the person another chance? I think we all deserve a second chance in life. It will definitely not be easy but nothing good in life comes easy. And sometimes those things are just one-time slips that the person if given a chance will not repeat and will ever remain grateful for that second chance.
But if it continues, then GIVE THE PERSON A BOOT! - Male or Female

temmy tayo said...

Cheating is bullshit! Excuse my french. There is no point staying with a patner that is a cheat,obviously he or she must have seen in someone else what the patner doesnt have. He/she is bound to continue to cheat each time he/she sees in another person what the patner doesnt or cannot offer.

I dont mind letting a relationship of 10 years go if my patner cheats on me. It can be a painful decision but mst times it is always the best decision to make.

Soul said...

oh my Gawd! Temmytayo...
you rock!