Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The last of it....

This is the last time i will discuss my "dance partner" just because i need to..

He is a friend of mine. The kind of friend that i am totally myself with. I told him in a very casual way that i was extra sweet on him and i dont really think he took me too seriously since we joke about everything under the sun. I was uncomfortable after the dream and after the words i wrote so hanging out with him was reduced to a minimum. I got over that and we are back where we are. I really dont know what triggered these feelings again.

He is to me one of the most beautiful people that ever walked this earth. He is sweet and smart. Funny but so serious at the same time. Yes. He is a wonderful person but what i adore most about him? I love the woman that i am when i am with him. He brings out all these things in me that i cant be with anyone else. Nothing is off limits. I am beautiful, smart, funny, ingenious with him and i know i am one of the few people that he is truly comfortable with.

I just know that we would be fabulous together. On the other hand, i feel like i would lose myself totally with him. I hate the Destiny's Child song "Cater to you" but the first time i heard this, i just thought of him. I would gladly cater to him. And i know it would be the same for him.

I could go on and on about how giddy this man makes me feel but i wont. The intensity of what i feel for him had me in tears on Sunday. For no reason except that i felt my head and my heart swell so much and tears rushed to my eyes and i cried. So the next logical question for me would be: why dont you really tell him how you feel? why dont you tell him that the thought of him being with anyone else is so painful? why dont i tell him that you want to be his all and all - to be the reason for his smile? why dont i tell him that i want to walk into a room and have him really smile at me. Not the way he does now, but because its me - the woman he loves?

I am brave about other things but my relationship with him is one that i dont joke with. I want to smack the women that hurt him and i get confused. I talk to him and i sense a little bit more. But then again, i cant be sure.....

So now, i want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him since i am a coward and cant do this face to face. I cant do it though. I want to hear his voice so bad but i am afraid that when he says "hey", the words out of my mouth will be "i am crazy about you".

So i will do what i did the last time, stay away from him till i have gotten this in check. The feelings will fade. I will look back at this and laugh. But for now......

11 comments:

Daddy's Girl said...

Wow... that is intense, Uzo. You actually made me cry, because what you feel for this man is really powerful.
There is love and there is LOVE, and this, it seems to me, is LOVE. It's hard to find someone who brings out the real you, the person you want to be. I've never had that - I've had my temporary attachments but I've never really loved like that. It's a beautiful thing.
I can (okay, I can't) imagine how scary the thought of telling him how you feel, but I'm not sure that burying your feelings and hoping they'll go away is the best option either. I mean, you tried that before and it didn't exactly work.. I am the worst person to give you advice cos I've never been in this situation, and I know it's easy to say this stuff, but.. maybe you need to deal with this thing and get some closure either way.

Soul said...

Uzo,
honey.. why do we run away from the things that have the potential to cause us the most joy.

You wrote: "I love the woman that i am when i am with him"

Uzo, this is the definiton of love.
That right there is what it is. So why are you running from it, baby.

No-one here can tell you what to do, but I don't think there is anyone here who doesn't want the best for you.
Like daddys girl.. I'm crying. Jesus christ I'm crying!. Cos this is beautiful yet sad, and damnit! your life is not some tragedy.

Honey, You love him. You really love him. Enough to let go, but not only that it seems you love him soo much you are afraid to even draw a breath less it vanishes right before your eyes.

I said it before and I'll say it again, you sound scared of something you had and lost once before, because you know how wonderful and magical it can be when you have it, and how devastatiing it is when it's gone.

But honey doesn't that mean that you won't go there again?.
I don't even know what to say anymore, all I know is my heart fucking hurts for you.

Would it be soo bad to find out if he feels the same?. would it be soo bad to find out if you guys can make it as lovers?
it seems like you've mae up your mind that if he doesn't feel the same, that's the end of your friendship, becuase your heartwon't be able to handle it.

Uzo, you are stronger than that. much stronger.
Damn.

hook,line&sinker+fisherman said...

i could bet my performance bonus that i'd see the word "intense" once i launch into the comments page... and i did!!!
kinda late..lemme get out of the office and i'll get back to this at home... ...uz the kinda girl i'd look forward to coming home to!!!

Bella Naija said...

Uzo

Wow
I think u should tell him unless u'll live in regret
Even if you dont say the words
Try to express it somehow
Maybe he feels the same way but is afraid to say something too
U said u guys tried before and it didnt work
Maybe it will work this time

Damn, its a tough one

ms. may said...

I am so with you. There is nothing better than a man who sees you as the twinkling, shining star among all the rest. Someone that just thinks you're the shit - you can't beat that. If you feel this way about him, there is probably an extremely high chance that he feels the same. You need to tell him - I think it's worth the risk. I did it - and although now I am learning that just because we feel right together doesn't mean we are right together, I wouldn't trade the experience for the world AND I know that he will always be a part of my life because there is no other choice. It is worth it mama -really is.

Anonymous said...

uzo,

life is short, too short, to not take chances, or let something you know is good for you slip away...i mean just from reading your blog , i know you aren't timid or scared or unadventurous....whats the worst , absolute worst that could happen?, really, tink abourrit....:-)
pray, pray , pray and then tell him how you feel and you will be surprised at the out come...just really dont miss out on a good thing cos ur being ...whats the word i am looking for?,.....silly...just kidding?

so.amazeen.blogspot.com

Biodun said...

Uzo, dont run away from ur feelings, I say go for it, call him n let him know! Its important that u do that, am so going 2 b stalking u until u have dont it for real n dont think about lying cos I have a 6th sense about these things, lol

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

This is beautiful... Babe I say go for it.. I'm going through something similar not because he doesn't know I care... But its just i'm beginning to feel its something more.. I wanna run away from it... but I can't.. Babe... you'll always wonder if you don't tell him... whether it works out or not... go for it babe... I mean in our 'woman world'... we usually want the dude to make the first move... but you feel too strongly to wait.. you really don't want some other girl coming in... so act fast... it's gonna be difficult.. but worth it.. no matter the outcome.. this was something beautiful to read, you're beautiful babe... go for it!!!

Anonymous said...

It seems that you have an admirer in hook, line,sinker+fisherman. You should tell him how you feel. He just might feel the same way about you. What's the worse that could happen?

Noni Moss said...

You know what, I want to say go for it cos that's what you should do - you should put yourself out there and at least know that you tried.

But honestly, if i were you? I would do EXACTLY what you're doing. If he means that much to you, you dont want to risk losing him as a friend or distorting your friendship cos that is what WILL happen IF he doesn't feel the same way.

I speak from experience, I did that once and oh did it backfire. He let me know calmly and gently that it couldn't happen but I didn't know the real reason till i saw him with another girl and I burst into tears at a club. NOT A PRETTY SIGHT. I couldn't see/speak to him after that and months later we started talking sporadically again but our relationship is not the same. We've gone from people who talked EVERYNIGHT to once a month or there abouts.

I dont know, maybe i'm just big on control but if he felt the same way, he would have made an effort to come to you. I say sit on it, till you feel strong enough to keep your emotions in check.

Jaycee said...

Hmmm...very deep, I think Noni Moss gave the best advice, because I think you shd wait and weigh your options. Even if you're the one meant for him at the end of the day, this may be the wrong time to tell him because you don't know exactly how he feels about it. Wait on God to tell you when to make the right move...wait to know if he's right for you.

It's hard to do (shd I say experience?), but "waiting for the right time" always works for both parties...