Wishes!

I wish i could go back in time
Before i said those words
Before i asked the questions
Before i got the answers

I wish i was still 16 and naive
And believed what people said
And thought the best of everyone
And really really got hurt when people disappointed me

I wish i had long silky hair
That stayed in place when i brushed it
And fell down my back and moved in the wind
Hair that inspired poetry

I wish i could let my guard down
And not be suspicious of everything and everyone
Allow myself to feel
And enjoy every nuance

I wish i had you in my life
To fill the gap in my heart
That huge hole
That threatens to consume me

I wish i didnt have to pretend all the time
That i am fine and that everything is right in my world
When i feel helpless and lost
And just want to cry till there are no more tears to shed

I wish i understood what i felt
Not mistake lust for love
Irritation for anger
Understand all i feel

I wish i didnt feel the need to write this
Wanting to say more
But unable to articulate how and what i feel
Just know i am not centered

I wish i didnt have it so tough with matters of the heart
Do i have it tough?
Or is it that i dont want the one i'm with
But i am afraid to walk away?

I wish i could smile and laugh
With reckless abandon
With not a care in the world
Thankful to be alive

Till the day comes when i can be open and unafraid of really being me
I will remain wishing......