Free at last.....

I was so pre-occupied with my dance partner a few months ago and i shared that on this blog but the most amazing thing has happened: I am free. I dont feel much for him anymore - well no romantic feelings anymore. I hear about the women in his life and i am so fine. Frankly, its almost like i could care less about anything he does. He tells me what's going on with him and while i am interested and i am sure i say the right things, i dont go out of my way to be there for him anymore.

I cant explain what changed. Actually i would be lying there. I know exactly when my heart shut to him. I know the exact moment, the specific conversation, the exact moment and what he said that just gave me my "ah ha" moment.

And that's it. This time is different from the other times too when i let him go. Of course, i am glad i had those feelings for him, at least i know i am still capable of feeling big, explosive things but no more. I used to get so excited when i heard his voice, or saw him or received an email from him but now - nothing.

After i switched off him, i spoke with him and it was almost like i wasnt there. I was doing other things at the same time which was never the case. In the past, i would stop everything so i could really talk and listen to him. Now i am not sure i even remember anything that we said.

It feels good. I know that we could have been amazing together but i know now that it just wasnt meant to be.

Oh and the very confident part of me cant help thinking: You poor guy. What a shame you wont get a chance to experience what being in love with me is like. Pity that.....

The last of it....

This is the last time i will discuss my "dance partner" just because i need to..

He is a friend of mine. The kind of friend that i am totally myself with. I told him in a very casual way that i was extra sweet on him and i dont really think he took me too seriously since we joke about everything under the sun. I was uncomfortable after the dream and after the words i wrote so hanging out with him was reduced to a minimum. I got over that and we are back where we are. I really dont know what triggered these feelings again.

He is to me one of the most beautiful people that ever walked this earth. He is sweet and smart. Funny but so serious at the same time. Yes. He is a wonderful person but what i adore most about him? I love the woman that i am when i am with him. He brings out all these things in me that i cant be with anyone else. Nothing is off limits. I am beautiful, smart, funny, ingenious with him and i know i am one of the few people that he is truly comfortable with.

I just know that we would be fabulous together. On the other hand, i feel like i would lose myself totally with him. I hate the Destiny's Child song "Cater to you" but the first time i heard this, i just thought of him. I would gladly cater to him. And i know it would be the same for him.

I could go on and on about how giddy this man makes me feel but i wont. The intensity of what i feel for him had me in tears on Sunday. For no reason except that i felt my head and my heart swell so much and tears rushed to my eyes and i cried. So the next logical question for me would be: why dont you really tell him how you feel? why dont you tell him that the thought of him being with anyone else is so painful? why dont i tell him that you want to be his all and all - to be the reason for his smile? why dont i tell him that i want to walk into a room and have him really smile at me. Not the way he does now, but because its me - the woman he loves?

I am brave about other things but my relationship with him is one that i dont joke with. I want to smack the women that hurt him and i get confused. I talk to him and i sense a little bit more. But then again, i cant be sure.....

So now, i want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him since i am a coward and cant do this face to face. I cant do it though. I want to hear his voice so bad but i am afraid that when he says "hey", the words out of my mouth will be "i am crazy about you".

So i will do what i did the last time, stay away from him till i have gotten this in check. The feelings will fade. I will look back at this and laugh. But for now......

After my dream.....

I wrote this after that dream:

We flirt, we laugh, we touch
We say things loaded with double meanings
This dance - A two step

We talk and communicate
Not as two people but as two souls
Learning our reason for being
This dance - a waltz

We lose touch
We dont talk for days, sometimes weeks
For no concrete reason
Life just gets in the way
This dance - a cha-cha

What i want
What should be
What you dont see
But i see oh so clearly
Is that we are mean to be
To spend forever dancing though life

The hot sweaty tango
The seductive salsa
The elegance of ballroom dancing
The energy and confusion of the boogie
The quirkiness and fun of country line dancing
The intimacy of slow dancing
The passion and culture of Atilogu
The rythmn of bata

I want to share a lifetime of dances with you.

After my dream.....

I wrote this after that dream:

We flirt, we laugh, we touch
We say things loaded with double meanings
This dance - A two step

We talk and communicate
Not as two people but as two souls
Learning our reason for being
This dance - a waltz

We lose touch
We dont talk for days, sometimes weeks
For no concrete reason
Life just gets in the way
This dance - a cha-cha

What i want
What should be
What you dont see
But i see oh so clearly
Is that we are mean to be
To spend forever dancing though life

The hot sweaty tango
The seductive salsa
The elegance of ballroom dancing
The energy and confusion of the boogie
The quirkiness and fun of country line dancing
The intimacy of slow dancing
The passion and culture of Atilogu
The rythmn of bata

I want to share a lifetime of dances with you.

Repost - July 10, 2006 (How it all began)

I am sure we have had dreams about people. Getting married or being with a special person. In your dreams, everything is great but you never see the face of this person that makes you feel content and secure. You wake up feeling so great and wishing it was real.

I know that some of my friends have had variations of this dream and its usually funny. It must be all this talk of weddings (I am planning a friend's wedding in december and will be a bridesmaid). I went to bed last night and considering how emotional i got over France's defeat, i expected to have a dream about goring Materazzi and stealing the 24 carat World Cup.

So wrong. I dreamt very vividly that i was getting married. I dreamt that i was staring at myself in my mom's mirror and she was lifting my veil over my face. My dad looked like he was going to cry and i looked radiant. I dreamt i was walking down the aisle, wanting to run to him - eager to marry him.

This is the part that freaks me out. He turns around and i can see his face. Its not Gary Dourdan. Its the face of someone i know. I woke up with a start and with my heart racing.
So what does this mean? Nothing? Something? Its quite laughable actually but......Well what do i do when i see him? I cant tell him this crap. But the image is so clear in my mind. What in the world?

I guess this will pass in a few days but i am a little freaked.......Weird.