All because of THAT song...

• I have a special kind of love. Its not romantic love. Its not "mandatory" love from family. I am blessed to have a friend that i know loves me warts and all. My friend has seen me at my highs, shared my good news, shared a lot of my happy times and silly times. My friend has also seen me when i have hit rock bottom. You know the Ugly cry times....when the tears come from the depth of your soul. This friend has seen those. This friend has challenged me. Been mad at me. Yelled at me. Not talked to me for ages. Listened to me rant about nothing. Been my fan, my supporter but has also been my critic. Through all this: it hit me last week. This friend loves me. As in, i know that if i need this friend, time and distance will not be an issue. Its a wonderful feeling to have. To know that there is someone in this world who doesnt have to be there for you, who doesnt have to put up with you, doesnt have to love you - but has CHOSEN to love you. See i believe that love is a choice. Its not automatic or easy. So everyday, that choice to love a person must be re-affirmed or else stuff will get in the way. So i have a precious love that i am so grateful for.

• I am not much of a people person which means that my circle is quite small. I am not the easiest person to deal with. I can go weeks without talking to people or making calls to friends. When i dont feel like talking, i dont. And i get irritated when i am not left alone. When i go into my manic socializing ways, its almost like a different person has emerged. Partly because of who i am and the way i am, there are some relationships in my life that have not been nurtured. As a result, stalemate relationships. In some cases deteriorating relationships. There is one in particular that irks. See we react to people - the vibes they give off. So over the years, vibes i have given and vibes i have gotten from this person have meant a very fragile relationship. As time has hardened me, the things which i should have made the effort to fix rolled off my back. Now here we are: the deterioration has stopped. But there hasnt been an improvement. So here we are - stuck in that awkward place. Knowing that everything isnt right. But what to do? Maybe i know what to do, but the steps that need to be taken are just too hard right now

Alright - I am turning off this Everybody Hurts song. Sheesh!

A Modern Fairytale - Part 1

Once upon a time, in a distant land called Lagoshia, there was born to Otunba Femi Judiimi and Princess Fadekemi Aeisha a beautiful baby girl called Oreoluwa Adoara Mariam.

This princess with the multi-cultural names was destined to live a charmed life. Her parents though not born into royalty had been given their chieftaincy titles by virtue of their contributions to society. Her father until his retirement was a customs officer and her mother - well she looked good all the time and attended every occassion that was guaranteed to be a splash in the very intellectual weekly publications that were sold around town.

Our little princess' arrival was met with relief by her parents - her mom ecstatic that she finally had a child and that all her visits to the many holy men/women had not been in vain and her dad could finally prove to the world that he was virile. Besides, it saved him the cost and hassle of marrying another wife.

In that vein, a gig to end all gigs was planned. The live music was provided by legendary King Sheshe Agagu, the masked one Lariga, the elegant stallion Onyinye Owe and the Koko master - Dayo. The party lasted over 4 days with lots of food and drink for all. Through all this, our princess had her cute little self enrobed and disrobed a total of 25 times. And our little princess slept through most of the proceedings.

So our little princess began her charmed life. She attended the best private schools in town. Sure she couldnt recite her ABC's properly at age 5 but her parents stepped in and she scaled through kindergarten and nursery 1 without a hitch. She couldnt count for shit but her finger paintings were great.

Our little princess also began to develop the necessary social skills for interaction with the world. All her little classmates were either royalty like her or expatriate kids from far off countries like Venezuela and China whose parents worked in the thriving agriculture sector that was a huge foreign exchange earner for Lagoshia.

Fast forward 18 years.............

My Love Affair

How many people have seen the movie Brown Sugar? I like that movie a lot - not only because its a love story but also because of the ode to hip-hop. In my case, it would be to music in general. I think in music, i see music, i relate situations to songs..I live and breathe music.

This is not an exaggeration. I am obsessed with music. I love music with the passion that i am sure some feel for a lover. I have been discovering new music lately and i feel this incredible urge to share some and there are some artists/songs that i guard jealously. Not wanting to share them for i feel they are mine.

Music has made me new friends and caused me to part ways with otherws. Moments and memories in my life are tied to songs which make me crave some songs and be absolutely repelled by others.

I sense that slowly, my blog will become more musically inclined than anything else but here's a secret - if you know me and can get past the obvious, then a simple soundbyte post can shed light on my state of mind, what i am thinking, where my head is.......

The last of it....

This is the last time i will discuss my "dance partner" just because i need to..

He is a friend of mine. The kind of friend that i am totally myself with. I told him in a very casual way that i was extra sweet on him and i dont really think he took me too seriously since we joke about everything under the sun. I was uncomfortable after the dream and after the words i wrote so hanging out with him was reduced to a minimum. I got over that and we are back where we are. I really dont know what triggered these feelings again.

He is to me one of the most beautiful people that ever walked this earth. He is sweet and smart. Funny but so serious at the same time. Yes. He is a wonderful person but what i adore most about him? I love the woman that i am when i am with him. He brings out all these things in me that i cant be with anyone else. Nothing is off limits. I am beautiful, smart, funny, ingenious with him and i know i am one of the few people that he is truly comfortable with.

I just know that we would be fabulous together. On the other hand, i feel like i would lose myself totally with him. I hate the Destiny's Child song "Cater to you" but the first time i heard this, i just thought of him. I would gladly cater to him. And i know it would be the same for him.

I could go on and on about how giddy this man makes me feel but i wont. The intensity of what i feel for him had me in tears on Sunday. For no reason except that i felt my head and my heart swell so much and tears rushed to my eyes and i cried. So the next logical question for me would be: why dont you really tell him how you feel? why dont you tell him that the thought of him being with anyone else is so painful? why dont i tell him that you want to be his all and all - to be the reason for his smile? why dont i tell him that i want to walk into a room and have him really smile at me. Not the way he does now, but because its me - the woman he loves?

I am brave about other things but my relationship with him is one that i dont joke with. I want to smack the women that hurt him and i get confused. I talk to him and i sense a little bit more. But then again, i cant be sure.....

So now, i want to pick up the phone and call him and tell him since i am a coward and cant do this face to face. I cant do it though. I want to hear his voice so bad but i am afraid that when he says "hey", the words out of my mouth will be "i am crazy about you".

So i will do what i did the last time, stay away from him till i have gotten this in check. The feelings will fade. I will look back at this and laugh. But for now......

Money and Love

So in today's world of "adult" relationships, it seems that there are new rules in play that were previously alien to me. Apparently, dating a man gives one access to a new money source. HIM. It is understood that He Man will become responsible for certain expenses of Damsel. Credit for her phone - Check. Getting her nails and hair done - Check. Rent - Check. Car expenses or even new car - Check. Vacations - Check. Wardrobe allowance - Check. Pocket money - Check.

I have always been one of those odd women that found even gifts difficult to accept. Letter and cards, i loved. Mixed tapes and CDs....Perfume - oh yeah. As i got older, i relaxed a bit. Allowed myself to accept thoughtful gifts in my mind. Shoes, books, DVDs, CDs, the odd piece of jewelery. Those were fine in my mind because it meant that he thought about who i am and acted accordingly. I remember the first time a boyfriend gave me $300 in cash to go shopping. I almost fainted. We had the biggest fight in history and resulted in me storming out and absolutely refusing to speak to him for weeks. How dare he i thought? Trying to buy me. Paying me for services rendered? That's the way it felt to me. Paying me. So subsequent men in my life know that cash is a no go area for me.

I know that a lot of my friends have always thought me odd. And those acquaintances i know think it even odder. I have been asked why on earth i am with a man if i dont get perks? Huh? How about for company, to share my time with, because i like him, because i like how he makes me feel? That seems all well and good to some while some women have looked at me in amazement. In a world where the eligibility of a man is based on the size of his wallet, car and job.

Nigeria seems to be worse. Its actually nauseating. I have a friend of mine that works with an oil company but when he meets a woman, he claims to work for a Nigerian airline. Why? To gauge the level of interest. So far, the moment he mentions Chachangi, the look on their faces change. He is a pretty hot guy, well spoken and very put together. Its interesting to see the change: from first appreciating his looks, to being turned off the moment he says where he works. I thought he was being a bit harsh at first but i have to agree with his strategy now.

So is accepting money and allowing a man foot all bills acceptable in relationships? If it is, then how much is acceptable? Does marriage make it different? How much cash is acceptable? What kind of gifts are acceptable? And this goes both ways - for men and women.