Insight......

So yesterday in the midst of my busy day, something just zipped through my head. Quick thought and it was gone. I stopped mid-step but continued walking. But i held on to the thought.

Later, when i had a few minutes to sit at my laptop. I pulled that thought up and began to actually take it in.

I can be a control freak. Wanting everything to be done in the way i want, how i want it and when i want it. I understand now that it is my way of drawing lines. Setting the rules on how close a person can be and how close they can get. I can also be very effusive. If i have stuff on my mind, i just let it rip. It can be disconcerting to the other person and sometimes i want to bite my tongue but i am at a point in my life where my daily mantra is NO REGRETS. So i would rather get it off my chest than be tortured.

Anyway, lately, i have become a juggler of sorts. Superwoman at work, dutiful supportive daughter and sister at home, backbone and comfort for 3 friends that suffered very heavy losses last week: the death of a father, the death of premature twins and the death of a fiance, constant smiles and miss walk on eggshells for the men in my life etc. And in all these situations, i have been playing miss control it all. When to talk, when to call, when to get gifts, when to stop by, when to send text messages, when to smile, what to say...on and on.

The thought that flashed through my head was simple really: calm down and relax.

As i was busy doodling on my piece of paper (which is what i do when i am thinking), i got a call. A friend out of the blue said he had this overwhelming need to talk to me, to see if i was okay. So he asked what was going on and i let it rip. And he laughed and said 'You need to relax and let go'. Weird right or maybe not. He said, you cant control everything and things will not always be on your terms.

I know that. I am sure we all know stuff but it really only sinks in when someone else says it. Anyway, immediately he said that and we talked some more about specifics and i got off the phone, I felt like a weight was lifted off me. Unbelievable. Freedom. Its like i stopped obsessing. The daily phone calls and text messages that i felt obligated to make and send, i didnt feel the need to anymore. Especially since my friend also made another comment that hit home: you cannot make people feel for you what you feel for them. You cannot force them to respond the way you want.

Unreal. Suddenly all the things that i thought i should be doing to show that i care for all these people didnt make a lick of sense. Especially because i removed myself from it all (its important to do this), sort of floated outside my body and looked at the situations objectively. And i realise, i have done my best. I cannot do more or be more.

I was going to say something about the effusive part but distractions abound.

Anyway, i feel so free. I cannot control everything. I cant force things to happen. Cant force people to react to people the way you want. So why stress? Someone once said to me or was it to someone else? I dont remember but the words said were - Dont sweat the small stuff. All stuff is small stuff.....