Monday, March 03, 2008


After being absent from the gym for the past 1 month and pretty much getting sloppy with my eating habits, i figured it was time to get back on the wagon.

Hauled myself to the gym yesterday.

My trainer saw me and i saw his eyes light up. Now that should have been a warning right there. But me being me, i guessed he was simply happy to see me because of the tips i usually give.

He shook my hand and i bounced towards the treadmill. He said no. Said i had to shake it up a bit. Okay then. No problem.

Did some stretches in front of the mirror where i spent a lot of time staring at my backside for no other reason than to see what it looked like from the back.

Easy enough. The stretching actually felt good since i have been taut as a tight rope for the past few weeks.

Then he hands me free weights. Bicep curls, squats, tricep kick backs and other stuff that i cant name.

Hmm, he asked me if i felt the burn. Yup i felt it.

Crunches and ab work with him holding my feet and stuff. At this point, i was not smiling very much anymore. I was just concentrating on breathing and not embarrasing myself in the full gym.

Up we got. More stretches. Some water and breathing.

Then he takes me over to the elliptical trainer. Cool. I love this. Well not love exactly but like.

I start to move. He says stop. Adjusts the settings. I position my ipod properly in my ear. And off i go. Not bad. Very easy actually. I am wondering why my trainer is staring at me. Leaning against the mirror staring at me. I ignore him. And start to go. Easy. Then it starts to get hard. I look at the settings and realise he has me me on interval. The resistance increases and its like i am hiking up a hill. Nothing i cant handle though.

By minute 15, my thighs are burning and the trainer is watching me intently. I refuse to bow to the unspoken pressure of asking if i can step down or if he can take it down a notch. I keep going. Holding on hard to the handle bars and closing my eyes.

Kanye West's Hey Mama is playing but i am not humming along. I keep my eyes closed and push myself on.

30 minutes are over and i step off.

We do some stretches and then its off to the weight machine. I work on my thighs and my back.

More stretches and then the exercise ball comes out. At this point, i am drenched in sweat. My cute exercise ensemble is drenched and i feel nasty. My ponytail is limp and i feel a hot mess.

We do crunches on the exercise ball. I spend a lot of time with my eyes closed, concentrating on using my stomach muscles - my core to balance. Its a blur at this point.

Then i get up and do more stretches. Then he leads me to the treadmill.

As i walk towards the treadmill, my legs seem to not want to move. I use my mind to power my legs towards the machine.

I say nothing. I look at my trainer intently. Thinking to myself....idiot man. you want to kill me today because i did not come for one month. I will show you today. I am stubborn. You dont know me. I am just glad i didnt use my lips because they wouldnt have moved anyway.

I get on the treadmill. And this time i watch his finger as he presses the buttons. Hill race..and then the diagram shows red dots - some high, some low. Hmm.

We start. A gentle walk. I am sidelined at this point. Back to looking at the mirror in front of me thinking how awful i look and just watching the other people. All of a sudden, i hear a whirring sound. Incline. Okay now. Raise away. This man doesnt know anything

Incline. Not bad. Hard but not bad. Then the stupid 'f****g machine starts to go faster. So i am supposed to jog UP THE INCLINE. Meanwhile the deranged man is still looking at me. I manage and then after a short burst, the incline goes down and the pace slows. Easy walking now. I rip my earphones out of my ears. The things are irritating me. Just as i wordlessly hand my ipod to the man, i hear the whirring sound again. INCLINE.

Kai. Up i go, then its starts to speed up. Inside of me, i am crying. Kai. Oh my Lord, let me live to see another day. I am seeing stars. I feel nauseous. The incline isnt coming down as fast as before. This goes on for 45MINUTES.

Its over. I cannot move. I stand on the treadmill. He says i should come and do the cool down and stretches. I pretend to be adjusting my clothes and drink some water. The truth is, if i move at that very instant, i will just die. Like literally - my legs will give out and i will die. Death in the gym. People will ask who sent me.

With shaky legs, i get off. Now even the stretches hurt. Then he says one more thing before i go. He gives me a skipping rope. He says quick, fast - for 2 minutes. Then the final cool down.

If looks could kill, he would have been incinerated at that point. He is running his commentary on how well i have done and its good to push your body. All the while, i imagine grabbing a 25 pound dumbbell and crushing his skull. Or kicking him in the groin. Stupid man.

I grab the skipping rope. My legs dont even want to move. I uncurl the damn thing. Look around to make sure no one is around. Actually, i am stalling. Come on, lets go he says. I manage. Kai. I just want to burst into tears at this point. I want to beg for mercy. My body doesnt even know what to do with itself. My eyes are breathing, my nose is seeing and my own hands want to smack me for inflicting so much pain....

How i do it, i dont know. I dont even know if i did the full 2 minutes. All i remember is him saying well done. I remember stretching. Couldnt even reach down. I had to lie on the floor mat. While he pulled my legs. I stared at the ceiling in a daze. Then he said see you next week.

I silently and slowly got up. Picked up my ipod and car keys. And slowly walked out of the building into my car. Entered my car and sat there for a few minutes. Thinking about my life. Then i started my engine. Drove home gingerly. No sudden movements.

Walked into my house. My parents asked me how it went. I dont remember responding. I looked at the stairs. Contemplated all 20 stairs that take me upstairs. Sat at the foot of the stairs and stared into the distance. People passed me. I said nothing. After a few minutes, i got up and silently climbed the stairs. Went to my room.

Knowing i needed to take a shower. I removed my trainers and socks. Laid on the floor. And closed my eyes.

My mother woke me up. Asking why i was asleep on the floor. Didnt say a word. Managed to get into my shower. Managed to do that. Got out. It was about 8pm by this time. Managed to get into bed. Covered myself from head to toe with my duvet and closed my eyes.

My dad came to my room and asked me to come and have dinner. I pretended not to hear. He left eventually. I fell asleep.

I woke up this morning. My feet hit the ground and i had to sit on my bed. Pain. Like electric shock coursing through my body.

I slowly limbered to the shower. Got dressed. Walking gingerly and feeling pain. Putting on my jacket was torture. Sitting in my car. Intense pain that i turned my AC on the highest.

Got to work....sat in the parking lot as i got in way too early. Just stared into space thinking about the fact that my body hurt like a wrestler used me for practice. Got a text message. Responded. Taking breaths hurt.

Got into my office and have been sitting relatively still all day.

It is 4.56pm now and i have not eaten a thing. The thought of eating anything is nauseating. See how much work i have to go through to burn these damned calories. My throat hurts. If i chew anything and swallow it wont go down. Muscle pull of the gullet.

Why oh Why?


For the love of me said...

wow, sounds like it was a very tough day and you really stretched yourself.I hope the pain subsides soon. Cheers

The Last King Of Scotland said...

whoa, men i need to go back to the gym. u really grilled urself in there and must be quite sore. pele. rest for 2 days, then go back.

Anonymous said...

oh gosh im supposed to be feeling sorry for u but im laughin. lmao.. this one na realy overworking oh... just think of how many changes u'll be seeing in a few weeks... omo i think im hoppin on the exercise bandwagon... or diet or something... im not liking my belly right now.. and i have to wear bellytops in about 2 months... this beerbelly i got in nigeria has to GO.. but sorry my dear... abeg next time ehn..dont work that much so u no go collapse... im proud of u sha.. i couldnt do 30 minutes on the machine except i was being paid to do it... (im sort of beginning to miss my old form of exercise.. lol.. i wont go into details)

Chxta said...

Is this where I say ntoi? Damn! I know that if I waltz into a gym now, they'd carry me straight to the cemetary afterwards...

As to your question, yes, that bugger got me angry. I tend to lose my patience with unreasonable people...

Daddy's Girl said...

Lol at 'muscle pull of the gullet'. That sounds really agonising, but I am proud of you for sticking it out. Your descriptive powers are excellent - I could feel the burn!

kulutempa said...

f*ing hell...i feel your pain, man! what's wrong with these people?? what's the point of putting you out of commission for 3 days?? i love being sore, but not so sore that i can't even breathe! pele...dude should be fired

Engee said...

roflmao......chai! pele dear...nust have been a hell of a look on the bright side.....stunning chic....lollllll

SET said...


kuesooM said...

Uzo dear, this is what I so needed today, why did i have to read it so late...7.50pm...not fair. Sorry, I cannot control my laughter, gosh...I so needed this today!

OK, I'm supposed to say hope u feel better, but girl, remember no pain no gain right, in a couple of weeks, this will be childs play. You know what, u documented ur work out so well, that I will attempt to mimic it 2moro morning..minus the skipping rope, I've never been good at that.

Ah...that was good!

Nyemoni said...

O Uzo, why did you do this to yourself? It was too much all in one day - and on the first day for that matter! Hope you feel better now? Ndo o!

Now this is the part where I get to say the post was funny!

Anonymous said...

Chei Uzoma, pele! I loved the writing, the details, your expressions... It felt like I was there with you watching it all happen.


doll said...

babes, take it easy on urself o!

Patrice said...

Sorry Uzo, but this so-called trainer should have his license - if he has one - revoked. The workout he put you through was senseless, counterproductive, and dangerous. Do try to eat, as your body needs the calories and nutrients to recover. And Uzo, you probably have been working out on-and-off long enough to know right from wrong and what is best for you. Don't let yourself be bullied by a trainer and if you must use a trainer next time, find a sensible one.

Anonymous said...

take it easy o, its not like ur yoko or anything like that. thats why there's a warning on the machine that says if you feel pain, tired...STOP! take it easy ooooo

Noni Moss said...


I'm sorry you're in pain but mennnnnnnnnnn - I would have stopped fronting long before. I'm sorry but I can't put myself through that. Just reading your post and I felt pained. Loll - i dont think they're meant to push you THAT hard! take it easy oh! And for goodness sake - eat something!

Anonymous said...

babe do you pay for the trainer or just gym membership? and how much?? mail me!
infact i'm sending u one right now.

meyn u're strong sha. i can jus see that being me... strong head till the end then completely immobile for like a week, and that'll be my entire workout for a month. pele

Anonymous said...

ok u have to send me an email first cuz i cant sem to find urs. i'll send u the grey's gist then

Anonymous said...

u have to take it easy...
the trainer at my gymn told me not to do more than an hr especially after a long break...cos u will be weak ... and by the time u come back again..ur muscle will have to adjust ...

50-60 mins every other day ...than 2 hrs once a week...

Calabar Gal said...

Pele. I cant help but laugh at this ya narration. Tres Bien. LOL!!

Kpakpando said...

sheeeeit, e ga sikwa! Me? Do gini? Nne your strong head too much, I would have just adjusted that treadmill to a leisurely walk jare and smiled at the trainer... did my mama born me for him to come and kill me?

Ore said...

Just reading this. I'm guessing that you would have recovered by now. What gym is this?